Is it a crisis or a boring change?

Jen and I went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in Yonge-Dundas square last night. It didn't rain like it did for Annie Hall, but it was chilly and I wrapped myself up in Jen's enormous penguin-patterned blanket that we had been using as a beach blanket earlier that evening.

(The beach is a whole other matter. Let's just say there is a reason why I got teary-eyed and shaky from purchasing a swimsuit.)

Anyway, obviously it was enjoyable, but I seem to feel sympathy for different characters with each passing viewing, and to various degrees of intensity. The time before this, Joel seemed like a heartless pushover and Clementine like a hostile and selfish jerk. More intriguing were Stan (Mark Ruffalo's character) and Mary (Kirsten Dunst's). I recall feeling quite moved by Stan's teary nose-wipe as he walks away from Mary's car. They both get super unresolved endings, and this somehow really struck something with me.

This time, however, my heart was back to Clem, despite her hostility.



"People need to share things, Joel. That's what intimacy is. I don't constantly talk! I'm really pissed that you would say that about me!"

The contrast of such solemn sweet words and anger is irresistible.

you ain't going nowhere

"Tumultuous!"

That was Vanessa's word to sum up 2007. 2008 has hardly begun, even though it's more than halfway through (for me, the real year starts with the commencement of the academic year), but I'm trying to find a word for it already. Dense, maybe.

Among today's adventures were an unnecessary-but-fun car trip to Red Rocket (a twenty-minute walk away, but the lure of Jen's car is irresistible approx. once/month), morning cartoons and sugary cereal with Andrew, and...an extremely daunting outing with my roommates to find a swimsuit.

I haven't owned a swimsuit since I was twelve, which is almost eight years ago. I borrowed a hideous number from a friend for canoe-camping in Outdoor School when I was fifteen, which was the last time I ever wore such a garment.

The trip was a difficult one: we trudged through racks upon racks of scary floral one-pieces, stacks of impossibly tiny patterned bikinis, and finally: Jen emerged holding up something simple, in two modest pieces, with a small rip that somehow warranted it being fairly inexpensive. Drawing a great breath, I took it into the changeroom. After much lip-biting, face-covering, and nervous-opinion-asking, I was red and sweaty and shaking, but relatively triumphant.

I am so so glad July is coming to a close and school is around the bend. At the same time, September looms sinister with unconfirmed-employment, a new university that may have different expectations than the last, along with other strange, shadowy unforeseeable changes.

But there's August in between, and even that doesn't start until Friday.

Watching The Third Man this evening makes me crave transparency and truth above all else, which are alas quite often elusive things. This is something I can deal with rationally, however. My immediate concern: Obtaining a functioning alarm clock. This biorhythm shit ain't always reliable.

patience, patience.

Last night, Jess and I went to see Annie Hall(!) for free(!!) outside in Yonge-Dundas Square. About four scenes in, it began to drizzle. Within the next ten minutes, it was full-on raining and some guys passed around big black garbage bags to those of us who decided to tough it out. As everyone struggled with their bags to discover the style in which they would receive maximum protection from the rain, lightning occasionally struck and Alvy and Annie continued on, oblivious to our amusing plight.

I forgot exactly how much I like Annie Hall. The first time I ever watched it was after a night of being utterly unable to sleep - I had things on my mind and consequently stayed up to watch Before Sunrise and Before Sunset (also excellent films). After watching these, I went for a walk around Saskatoon, ending up on the fire escape of a highschool drinking a cup of shitty 7-11 grade coffee and watching the sun rise. When the sun had come up, I shuffled home and watched Annie Hall, which proved to be my favourite of the movies I'd consumed over the past 24 hours. The quietness of seeing it alone, when no one else was around or even awake, somehow made it even more perfect.

Sometimes I really miss the feeling of knowing my city; of knowing the best spots and having memories attached to so many places - of having an effortless map of the city in my head and feet. Tomorrow, I will have been here for three months. I'm beginning to piece the fragments of Toronto I know together and build an internal map...it will just take time.

is your sweater on?

I think I might be the first person to have a diaper-related-injury.

And now before you all run screaming away from me, let me explain: Yesterday, for work, I was instructed to purchase $250 worth of diapers (which ended up being $274.04) for some care packages I'm making for prenatal mothers. I don't drive, and I don't carry a shopping cart around with me, so I got to take all of these shoved into four ENORMOUS bags for a bit of a walk to the subway station, then on the subway, then on a crowded streetcar. I have never received more looks of deep pity than yesterday, waddling down College Street, plastic handles twisting into my hands and occasionally pausing to attempt to secure my bangs off my forehead. Oy.

So when I woke up, my arms were incredibly sore and my shoulders feel as if someone has sliced through them with rusty breadknives.

But it's kind of hilarious, and I'm not too broken up about it.

On Sunday morning, Andrew and I ate Lucky Charms and watched cartoons, which has clearly inspired the entire house. Last night, we watched an almost-embarrassing amount of YTV programming, and Jen informed me that she, too, had succumbed to the deliciousness of the marshmallow-y goodness of a certain cereal. Basically, we're the perfect house.

And now, it is time to see what new delights await me at work.

yes, this really is an entry about alternatives to cheese.

Ah yes, there is but one working day until the weekend. Megan and I stepped on out for lunch today (we both brought one, but got coffee from Wanda's) and spent the entire (unpaid) hour bitching about how little work we have to do/how that makes the time a-drag. Miraculously, upon our arrival back, my boss had come up with a few things for me to do, which should also keep me busy all tomorrow morning. Holla!

After work, I scooted to the health food store and picked up what has ultimately restored my faith in vegan cheese. Back in Saskatoon, there were precious little options when it came to this: there was a brand available at Superstore that contained casein (really, why the fuck would you bother making soy cheese if you're going to put a milk protein in it? seriously guys), and another hideously overpriced brand at Steep Hill called something along the lines of Vegarella or Veganrella. Vegwhateverrella was not only overpriced, but slimy and seriously untasty.

Toronto is clearly a far more veg-friendly city. I can't recall the name of the brand I bought today, but boy howdy is it ever delicious, non-slimy, and completely lacking in secret milk proteins! It doesn't melt great, but nothing soy-based does, I suppose. Anyway, thanks, soy cheese, for a trip to tastytown (I had it in an olive bun with tomatoes and cucumbers).

On another note, thursdays are great, because they are often my "day-before-travelling-day", which is my favourite kind of day (other than travelling days). DFTDs get me super organized because I've got laundry to do, showers to take, delicious things to bake, and bags to pack. So I'm forced to be on the ball! Yyyyay! And I have something to look forward to! Yyyyay!

I'm off. Have a lovely weekend, everyone.

I wanna spread my dementia

Zine: done
Photocopying at Kinko's: cheap
Dinner tonight: cornflakes with the very last of the soymilk and raspberries and blackberries that were ultra cheap in the Annex

Jen and I went for a long walk to clear our heads. Then I finished sewing a skirt and read for a bit and felt sad about my utter lack of involvement in the feminist scene here. I need to get out more and find where the resources and programming and volunteer stuff is.

I guess I just want some ladies to strategize with re: smashing patriarchy, who can also tell me "YEAH, radical cheerleaders meeting wednesday" or "I wholeheartedly support your attempt to destroy beauty standards" or "Is Leslie Feinberg not the most wonderful person imaginable?"

Being more proactive is clearly the situation. Note to self: read last sentence only once more; then do as it suggests.

it's just a joke, man, it's just an interview

My triumphant steps to the 24-hr-Kinko's (a photocopying place, not a porn shop, incidentally), zine in hand, were somewhat dampened as I realized in horror that I had forgotten my wallet.

So it gets put off for another little while...which makes me infuriated, because this shit should have been done in december. It's not like I've done any real work on it since, for goodness' sakes.

What made my venture out worth it was that I was listening to Le Tigre and wearing my boy scouts of america shirt. Most days I don't really want to go outside because I feel pretty ugly and gross and getting anywhere in this city requires you to sit down for about half an hour with a bunch of people, then walk for another half hour with a whole new bunch of people, all of whom are ridiculously well-styled and dressed. BUT when you have Kathleen Hanna fighting the good fight in your ears, you feel a little better.

Oh, and I stopped wearing makeup. So far it hasn't gone over well, as I've alternately wanted to cry and scream for the past three days. BUT WE'RE DOING OK, FOLKS! I'm also giving one last shot at the vegan life, which has made me feel significantly happier, because it means I make a lot of vegetable-based and delicious meals. Tonight: potato-carrot-curry soup.

Now, off to make comics and soup now...I'm a productive person with interests and personality. You believe me, right?