oh, how quickly optimism is quashed.

i'm reminded of this scene in Shortbus where Severin, the dominatrix, bursts into tears in front of Sook-yin Li's character. "What if I can't afford to live here anymore? I can't go back!" She cries and cries, then, sniffing, tries to convince herself that she can just stay in New York City and make art all year.

that scene touches a nerve. i know i know, those fucking Torontonians comparing themselves to New Yorkers when they couldn't be more different...but i'm genuinely struck with fear when it comes to this city. it's too expensive. as far as employment, i live contract to contract, in constant fear of where my next paycheque will come from. how long can i stay in Toronto before it chews me up and spits me out?

and i'm sick. i don't want to scare anyone, but i am really sick right now. i can't tell my parents, provinces away, because i just don't want to cause more confusion and concern. my eyes burn and my stomach has stopped growling for food, knowing there isn't any more coming. i sob out of nowhere. make late-night teary phone calls when i'm so delirious that i might as well be drunk. Not Good.

i'm going to go to a facility tonight, and i'm not going to tell my family. i need the people who read this to help make sure that this remains quiet. i promise i will seek help, but i really do need to do it in privacy.

absolutely cuckoo.

Against better judgment, perhaps, I am having the best day ever. I should be working on an essay or something, but i'm instead sitting on my floor drawing and drinking boozy coffee in shortshorts (a.k.a. little boys' swimming trunks from sears).

This summer is going to be fucking awesome. Saskatoon (feminist posse!), Israel (my sister's wedding!), and maaaaaybe if I'm lucky Halifax. Yesss! 2010, I had no idea you were gonna be so fun. At least for the first while.

My new roommate is lovely. On my first night here, he gave me a ticket to see the Magnetic Fields and kept me company while I started unpacking. Our third roommate (his partner) will be here in a month and I imagine the awesomeness will only increase exponentially.

Goodmoodgoodmoodgoodmood.

wonderful and odd; our memories are all we've got.

I'm sitting on my mattress and listening to my new roommate singing along to an unidentifiable singer/songwriter. He has a nice voice and it pleases me that I will probably have a soundtrack most of the time we're both here.

The thing about gathering everything you own is, you reexamine all of it. I've found journals, so many journals. Thumbnails of so many potential comics. Half-started drawings. Reading and seeing who I was when I first came to this city is sort of heartbreaking.

"My life is about to fucking supernova," I told Jen on the deck of Red Rocket Coffee on the evening of her departure.

Thinking about the future means you want something.
-Douglas Coupland

i don't know what i can save you from

okay, disclaimer.

it's 11:20 p.m., there's a party at my house, i'm drunk, and i'm packing up all my possessions.

dear goodness, has it only been 19 months since I moved here?

i came here in april. my heart was broken. i had short hair and i was wearing birds on my shirt. alone: that was how i felt. andrew t came over on my 2nd day here and in my peripheral vision, he reminded me of someone i loved.

i scooped out dishes of ice cream for him.

why am i moving? for cheaper rent. for a change. to be on the west side.

sometimes i think about the word "sublime": originally, feeling the sublime meant you felt tiny and insignificant; a speck of dust on the marred face of the universe.

that's how i feel tonight. in a happy way.

i think about slaughterhouse 5 too. about the aliens who see time as happening all at once. being happy about each moment of good, all the time. is there a reason humans don't do this?

of course.

would i go back tonight if i could?

do you even need to ask?

i'm ready for an adventure.

The past three days have been the best days of my year so far. And yeah, the year just started, but I think this is significant anyway.

So what have I been up to?

1.) Making coffee at home, to save money. This is my usual ritual:
-Put the coffee grinds in my 1-cup French press. I drink 10 000 Villages Fair Trade Peru Dark Roast, and sometimes various Intelligentsia beans from Manic Coffee
-Add a sprinkle ground cloves and 1 tsp ground cinnamon
-boil ze water
-brew for exactly 3.5 minutes
---->simultaneously, i heat up about an inch of soymilk and a splash of vanilla extract
-pour the coffee into the soymilk/vanilla mix
-DRINK UP! It's like delicious Mayan chocolate. Without the chocolate.

2.) Drawing. I've accomplished so much in the past 3 days! Cover for my next zine, 3 complete illustrations, 3 illustrations underway. How is that possible? Well, I haven't been called into work, and I've been acknowledging that I love hanging out by myself. It's so satisfying to sit in my room, drawing whilst...

3.) ...Listening to This American Life. I know I'm the last person on this bandwagon, but I don't even care because I've fallen so deeply in love. This weekend alone: 9 hours of TAL.

4.) Applying for a residency. Don't want to get too into detail, because I don't wanna get my hopes up.

5.) An excellent 59-minute phone conversation with Cat.

6.) Going to a sweet knitting group. I am getting pretty darn good at knitting.

7.) Plotting several textile projects. Eeee.

And now: back to packing my stuff up and trying to get in line with Academia. Note the capital A. Eeesh.