Do you remember faux-swingdancing with me in the streets at night when no one else was around?
I've been doing the following: swilling beer with my roommate, wearing a million different colours of tights, thumbing through 18th century novels lazily, showing off my armpit hair in cramped bars, seeing lots of plays for class, chomping down on fruit bandits (a no-name equivalent of runts, i think), and spending hours in waiting rooms and specialist offices. I'm actually doing considerably well. The trick is spending extremely little time in my mind and lots of time finding other things to occupy it.
Drawing and writing have been hard lately. Too much in-my-mind time. Blogging clearly isn't helping the situation...but i wanted to anyway, since last post wasn't especially cheery.
I want to spend the summer in cotton dresses and wool socks, cycling through the streets of my hometown with a fisherprice tape recorder blasting my themesongs (I mentioned this to V at the Only and some guy at the bar turned around and told me he liked the idea...eash). I want to finish a million unfinished art projects and drink on the river landing. I want to drive shrieking with laughter in the Cooleymobile, eating blood orange sorbet.
Oh, that living in the future. Doing my best to live here right now. Magnetic Fields this month, possible zine trip to Chicago, and visits with the lovely M.E. are all on the horizon.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
oh, how quickly optimism is quashed.
i'm reminded of this scene in Shortbus where Severin, the dominatrix, bursts into tears in front of Sook-yin Li's character. "What if I can't afford to live here anymore? I can't go back!" She cries and cries, then, sniffing, tries to convince herself that she can just stay in New York City and make art all year.
that scene touches a nerve. i know i know, those fucking Torontonians comparing themselves to New Yorkers when they couldn't be more different...but i'm genuinely struck with fear when it comes to this city. it's too expensive. as far as employment, i live contract to contract, in constant fear of where my next paycheque will come from. how long can i stay in Toronto before it chews me up and spits me out?
and i'm sick. i don't want to scare anyone, but i am really sick right now. i can't tell my parents, provinces away, because i just don't want to cause more confusion and concern. my eyes burn and my stomach has stopped growling for food, knowing there isn't any more coming. i sob out of nowhere. make late-night teary phone calls when i'm so delirious that i might as well be drunk. Not Good.
i'm going to go to a facility tonight, and i'm not going to tell my family. i need the people who read this to help make sure that this remains quiet. i promise i will seek help, but i really do need to do it in privacy.
i'm reminded of this scene in Shortbus where Severin, the dominatrix, bursts into tears in front of Sook-yin Li's character. "What if I can't afford to live here anymore? I can't go back!" She cries and cries, then, sniffing, tries to convince herself that she can just stay in New York City and make art all year.
that scene touches a nerve. i know i know, those fucking Torontonians comparing themselves to New Yorkers when they couldn't be more different...but i'm genuinely struck with fear when it comes to this city. it's too expensive. as far as employment, i live contract to contract, in constant fear of where my next paycheque will come from. how long can i stay in Toronto before it chews me up and spits me out?
and i'm sick. i don't want to scare anyone, but i am really sick right now. i can't tell my parents, provinces away, because i just don't want to cause more confusion and concern. my eyes burn and my stomach has stopped growling for food, knowing there isn't any more coming. i sob out of nowhere. make late-night teary phone calls when i'm so delirious that i might as well be drunk. Not Good.
i'm going to go to a facility tonight, and i'm not going to tell my family. i need the people who read this to help make sure that this remains quiet. i promise i will seek help, but i really do need to do it in privacy.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
it's only fair to tell you i'm absolutely cuckoo.
Against better judgment, perhaps, I am having the best day ever. I should be working on an essay or something, but i'm instead sitting on my floor drawing and drinking boozy coffee in shortshorts (a.k.a. little boys' swimming trunks from sears).
This summer is going to be fucking awesome. Saskatoon (feminist posse!), Israel (my sister's wedding!), and maaaaaybe if I'm lucky Halifax. Yesss! 2010, I had no idea you were gonna be so fun. At least for the first while.
My new roommate is lovely. On my first night here, he gave me a ticket to see the Magnetic Fields and kept me company while I started unpacking. Our third roommate (his partner) will be here in a month and I imagine the awesomeness will only increase exponentially.
Goodmoodgoodmoodgoodmood.
This summer is going to be fucking awesome. Saskatoon (feminist posse!), Israel (my sister's wedding!), and maaaaaybe if I'm lucky Halifax. Yesss! 2010, I had no idea you were gonna be so fun. At least for the first while.
My new roommate is lovely. On my first night here, he gave me a ticket to see the Magnetic Fields and kept me company while I started unpacking. Our third roommate (his partner) will be here in a month and I imagine the awesomeness will only increase exponentially.
Goodmoodgoodmoodgoodmood.
Friday, January 15, 2010
wonderful and odd; our memories are all we've got.
I'm sitting on my mattress and listening to my new roommate singing along to an unidentifiable singer/songwriter. He has a nice voice and it pleases me that I will probably have a soundtrack most of the time we're both here.
The thing about gathering everything you own is, you reexamine all of it. I've found journals, so many journals. Thumbnails of so many potential comics. Half-started drawings. Reading and seeing who I was when I first came to this city is sort of heartbreaking.
"My life is about to fucking supernova," I told Jen on the deck of Red Rocket Coffee on the evening of her departure.
Thinking about the future means you want something.
-Douglas Coupland
The thing about gathering everything you own is, you reexamine all of it. I've found journals, so many journals. Thumbnails of so many potential comics. Half-started drawings. Reading and seeing who I was when I first came to this city is sort of heartbreaking.
"My life is about to fucking supernova," I told Jen on the deck of Red Rocket Coffee on the evening of her departure.
Thinking about the future means you want something.
-Douglas Coupland
Thursday, January 14, 2010
i don't know what i can save you from
okay, disclaimer.
it's 11:20 p.m., there's a party at my house, i'm drunk, and i'm packing up all my possessions.
dear goodness, has it only been 19 months since I moved here?
i came here in april. my heart was broken. i had short hair and i was wearing birds on my shirt. alone: that was how i felt. andrew t came over on my 2nd day here and in my peripheral vision, he reminded me of someone i loved.
i scooped out dishes of ice cream for him.
why am i moving? for cheaper rent. for a change. to be on the west side.
sometimes i think about the word "sublime": originally, feeling the sublime meant you felt tiny and insignificant; a speck of dust on the marred face of the universe.
that's how i feel tonight. in a happy way.
i think about slaughterhouse 5 too. about the aliens who see time as happening all at once. being happy about each moment of good, all the time. is there a reason humans don't do this?
of course.
would i go back tonight if i could?
do you even need to ask?
it's 11:20 p.m., there's a party at my house, i'm drunk, and i'm packing up all my possessions.
dear goodness, has it only been 19 months since I moved here?
i came here in april. my heart was broken. i had short hair and i was wearing birds on my shirt. alone: that was how i felt. andrew t came over on my 2nd day here and in my peripheral vision, he reminded me of someone i loved.
i scooped out dishes of ice cream for him.
why am i moving? for cheaper rent. for a change. to be on the west side.
sometimes i think about the word "sublime": originally, feeling the sublime meant you felt tiny and insignificant; a speck of dust on the marred face of the universe.
that's how i feel tonight. in a happy way.
i think about slaughterhouse 5 too. about the aliens who see time as happening all at once. being happy about each moment of good, all the time. is there a reason humans don't do this?
of course.
would i go back tonight if i could?
do you even need to ask?
Monday, January 11, 2010
i'm ready for an adventure.
The past three days have been the best days of my year so far. And yeah, the year just started, but I think this is significant anyway.
So what have I been up to?
1.) Making coffee at home, to save money. This is my usual ritual:
-Put the coffee grinds in my 1-cup French press. I drink 10 000 Villages Fair Trade Peru Dark Roast, and sometimes various Intelligentsia beans from Manic Coffee
-Add a sprinkle ground cloves and 1 tsp ground cinnamon
-boil ze water
-brew for exactly 3.5 minutes
---->simultaneously, i heat up about an inch of soymilk and a splash of vanilla extract
-pour the coffee into the soymilk/vanilla mix
-DRINK UP! It's like delicious Mayan chocolate. Without the chocolate.
2.) Drawing. I've accomplished so much in the past 3 days! Cover for my next zine, 3 complete illustrations, 3 illustrations underway. How is that possible? Well, I haven't been called into work, and I've been acknowledging that I love hanging out by myself. It's so satisfying to sit in my room, drawing whilst...
3.) ...Listening to This American Life. I know I'm the last person on this bandwagon, but I don't even care because I've fallen so deeply in love. This weekend alone: 9 hours of TAL.
4.) Applying for a residency. Don't want to get too into detail, because I don't wanna get my hopes up.
5.) An excellent 59-minute phone conversation with Cat.
6.) Going to a sweet knitting group. I am getting pretty darn good at knitting.
7.) Plotting several textile projects. Eeee.
And now: back to packing my stuff up and trying to get in line with Academia. Note the capital A. Eeesh.
So what have I been up to?
1.) Making coffee at home, to save money. This is my usual ritual:
-Put the coffee grinds in my 1-cup French press. I drink 10 000 Villages Fair Trade Peru Dark Roast, and sometimes various Intelligentsia beans from Manic Coffee
-Add a sprinkle ground cloves and 1 tsp ground cinnamon
-boil ze water
-brew for exactly 3.5 minutes
---->simultaneously, i heat up about an inch of soymilk and a splash of vanilla extract
-pour the coffee into the soymilk/vanilla mix
-DRINK UP! It's like delicious Mayan chocolate. Without the chocolate.
2.) Drawing. I've accomplished so much in the past 3 days! Cover for my next zine, 3 complete illustrations, 3 illustrations underway. How is that possible? Well, I haven't been called into work, and I've been acknowledging that I love hanging out by myself. It's so satisfying to sit in my room, drawing whilst...
3.) ...Listening to This American Life. I know I'm the last person on this bandwagon, but I don't even care because I've fallen so deeply in love. This weekend alone: 9 hours of TAL.
4.) Applying for a residency. Don't want to get too into detail, because I don't wanna get my hopes up.
5.) An excellent 59-minute phone conversation with Cat.
6.) Going to a sweet knitting group. I am getting pretty darn good at knitting.
7.) Plotting several textile projects. Eeee.
And now: back to packing my stuff up and trying to get in line with Academia. Note the capital A. Eeesh.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
weekends away
Today is my day off.
It's 5:33 and I'm too coffee-jittery. I drank two really great coffees today, so thick and oily that they sparkled (even when I added soymilk) but now I'm paying the price. My insides are all chattery and impatient. Adding to my general discomfort: I put on Paris Je T'aime hoping for some background noise but just got drawn into all the sad plots. I don't think I really like it. It seemed awesome when I saw it at the Broadway whenever it came out, but now...not so much. I like the one with the Spanish-speaking mom-nanny, but it's ungodly depressing. And the one with the little dead cowboy...but that's also depressing. I guess I am just not into sad stuff right now.
What problems!
Just kidding. It's really my fault for not using my day off more productively. I knit a few rows of the sweater I'm working on but that's about it. And got a new bank card. And went to therapy. I read Be Good in the tub. Wrote Maranda a letter and posted it. Maybe it wasn't so unproductive after all?
Last night I slept exceptionally well. My room was exactly the right temperature and pitch and I drifted off snuggled against CB. When he woke up and left for work I slept for another hour. I prefer sleeping in together, but this was a close second. Anyway, after an hour I got up and had bran flakes with soy milk and raisins (I pried them out of three of those little red boxes they come in: raisin fiend). And that oily delicious coffee I mentioned earlier.
My posts are always so mundane. I think mundanity makes me nice and calm, a good antidote for all the anxiety I have. "Mundanity" is not a word, and I think that's a problem.
Anyway...I hope everyone's doing well. Now it's time to put some food into my belly.
xoxo
It's 5:33 and I'm too coffee-jittery. I drank two really great coffees today, so thick and oily that they sparkled (even when I added soymilk) but now I'm paying the price. My insides are all chattery and impatient. Adding to my general discomfort: I put on Paris Je T'aime hoping for some background noise but just got drawn into all the sad plots. I don't think I really like it. It seemed awesome when I saw it at the Broadway whenever it came out, but now...not so much. I like the one with the Spanish-speaking mom-nanny, but it's ungodly depressing. And the one with the little dead cowboy...but that's also depressing. I guess I am just not into sad stuff right now.
What problems!
Just kidding. It's really my fault for not using my day off more productively. I knit a few rows of the sweater I'm working on but that's about it. And got a new bank card. And went to therapy. I read Be Good in the tub. Wrote Maranda a letter and posted it. Maybe it wasn't so unproductive after all?
Last night I slept exceptionally well. My room was exactly the right temperature and pitch and I drifted off snuggled against CB. When he woke up and left for work I slept for another hour. I prefer sleeping in together, but this was a close second. Anyway, after an hour I got up and had bran flakes with soy milk and raisins (I pried them out of three of those little red boxes they come in: raisin fiend). And that oily delicious coffee I mentioned earlier.
My posts are always so mundane. I think mundanity makes me nice and calm, a good antidote for all the anxiety I have. "Mundanity" is not a word, and I think that's a problem.
Anyway...I hope everyone's doing well. Now it's time to put some food into my belly.
xoxo
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