So, I went to a doctor for my once-a-year-complete physical (which I probably haven't had done in years...I think my last time seeing a family doctor was when I was 17. YIKES). She was the most doctorly doctor ever - extremely calm, cool, and collected, her reaction to any distress I was in was not to reassure me but to offer suggestions, etc. I think the stereotype of doctors as problem solvers and nurses as caregivers is not too far from the mark, in all reality. While sometimes I think I'd prefer to just see a nurse practitioner for all my medical needs, there is occasionally just something about someone who gets to the facts with or without your total emotional ease.
Anyway, it turns out that EVERYONE WAS RIGHT: taking a daily B complex is actually necessary. So I've started taking a B complex! I've never taken supplements in my nine years of being veg (except for a brief period last summer where I chomped down on Flintstones multivitamins like they were candy)...it turns out that B deficiency can actually make you - get this - MANIC. And depressed, irritable, etc. I'm looking forward to being a more pleasant person (well...potentially).
My mom is visiting for the summer and so it's meant long, awesome hangouts where we make pizza or strawberry jam, knit up a storm, traipse around the better coffee shops of Toronto and where she meets me for lunch when I'm at work. It's been pretty fantastic. I'm looking forward to next month when I'll get to see Cat and we'll do many similarly wonderful activities.
Today I'm wearing a totally ridiculous dress that I'm not entirely sure I can pull off at work, but we'll see. I hear bright blue gingham is due for a comeback.
xoxo
clara bee
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
a nightmare + the end of the academic year
I had a really terrible nightmare last night. Or maybe it just seemed terrible because I rarely have nightmares. Anyway, the details are vague now, but I do remember a rooftop party, a girl going missing, and sneaking away from the party when cops and ambulances showed up. I didn't know why I was leaving. I was afraid they would think I did it (not sure what).
The dawn approached, and I found Alison on the empty streets of Broadway. Blood was running into all the storm drains, flowing red. I asked in a tiny voice what happened, and she said "Everyone with running water has seen it this morning. Her blood." I felt so afraid and I asked Alison to hold my hand. She did and we walked up Main street. I wondered why I had left, and if they were going to think I killed her. Alison's hand was reassuring in mine. I could hear sirens in the background.
I awoke, shaking. My bare arms were very cold. I woke CB and whispered "I had a nightmare, can you please hold me?" He was still mostly asleep, but complied. Wasn't able to shake the feeling until the alarm went off at 6:40.
Tomorrow will be my last exam at school. I'm very much looking forward to this. My friend Michela and I studied for four hours this morning. I've done all the stuff necessary for CB and my trip to NYC, and am feeling much calmer than I did this morning. Right now I can't imagine anything better than going to museums and bookstores and zine libraries and vegan restaurants with my CB.
xoxo
cbl
The dawn approached, and I found Alison on the empty streets of Broadway. Blood was running into all the storm drains, flowing red. I asked in a tiny voice what happened, and she said "Everyone with running water has seen it this morning. Her blood." I felt so afraid and I asked Alison to hold my hand. She did and we walked up Main street. I wondered why I had left, and if they were going to think I killed her. Alison's hand was reassuring in mine. I could hear sirens in the background.
I awoke, shaking. My bare arms were very cold. I woke CB and whispered "I had a nightmare, can you please hold me?" He was still mostly asleep, but complied. Wasn't able to shake the feeling until the alarm went off at 6:40.
Tomorrow will be my last exam at school. I'm very much looking forward to this. My friend Michela and I studied for four hours this morning. I've done all the stuff necessary for CB and my trip to NYC, and am feeling much calmer than I did this morning. Right now I can't imagine anything better than going to museums and bookstores and zine libraries and vegan restaurants with my CB.
xoxo
cbl
Monday, May 11, 2009
the middle of things
Ah, school. I dislike it so much, yet it follows me around like a wheezing puppy I can't ignore. Actually, I think I'd much prefer a wheezing puppy to school, but I certainly wouldn't have the cash to pay for its vet bills. Anyway, one paper and three finals to go.
This weekend was TCAF, but I honestly spent very little time there, which is a bit of a downer. It happens every two years, I suppose, but I would've enjoyed going to some readings and panels. However, I had a pretty wonderful weekend anyway. CB and I slept in super late, ate falafel, were the hapless victims of an insane, unexpected thunderstorm, then came back to my house where he patiently sat next to me and kept himself occupied while I typed away at an essay. We ate pad thai at Jean's Vegetarian Kitchen (don't worry, I specified "no eggs") and returned, quietly keeping each other company until I decided to stop for the night and we fell asleep like exhausted kittens.
It sounds kind of...normal, I guess, but it was actually a really lovely time. What I'm looking forward to even more is when we can spend time together but I won't be doing school work. When we can chill and do creative stuff. CB is a top-notch person. For real. Risking sounding mushy, my day is always best when he's a part of it.
Anyway. It's time to get ready for work, if I don't want to be late, which...naturally I don't. By the way, I'm thoroughly enjoying the company I have at work, in particular two amazing individuals who laugh at my ridiculous and often nonsensical jokes and in turn tell equally ridiculous ones for me to giggle at.
Remind me to tell y'all about my hilarious Star Wars: A New Hope dream later.
xoxo
cbl
This weekend was TCAF, but I honestly spent very little time there, which is a bit of a downer. It happens every two years, I suppose, but I would've enjoyed going to some readings and panels. However, I had a pretty wonderful weekend anyway. CB and I slept in super late, ate falafel, were the hapless victims of an insane, unexpected thunderstorm, then came back to my house where he patiently sat next to me and kept himself occupied while I typed away at an essay. We ate pad thai at Jean's Vegetarian Kitchen (don't worry, I specified "no eggs") and returned, quietly keeping each other company until I decided to stop for the night and we fell asleep like exhausted kittens.
It sounds kind of...normal, I guess, but it was actually a really lovely time. What I'm looking forward to even more is when we can spend time together but I won't be doing school work. When we can chill and do creative stuff. CB is a top-notch person. For real. Risking sounding mushy, my day is always best when he's a part of it.
Anyway. It's time to get ready for work, if I don't want to be late, which...naturally I don't. By the way, I'm thoroughly enjoying the company I have at work, in particular two amazing individuals who laugh at my ridiculous and often nonsensical jokes and in turn tell equally ridiculous ones for me to giggle at.
Remind me to tell y'all about my hilarious Star Wars: A New Hope dream later.
xoxo
cbl
Friday, May 8, 2009
I'm wrapped up in a blanket on the couch before getting dressed for work as I write this, sipping a vegan breakfast smoothie that is kinda changing my life.
From Nicole Georges' Invincible Summer, Vol. I:
1 banana
1 cup soy milk
1 handful coconut shreds
1 heaping tablespoon almond butter
honey, to taste (I left it out, personally)
Blend it all up!
Seriously. Amazing.
School's been a bit of a bummer as of late, but I think I can handle it. Two more papers and three exams in the next three weeks, which is sort of horrifying, but totally doable. My self-confidence was bolstered by an academic adviser I ran into at a book launch (which I attended with the ever-lovely Jess) who remarked that my grades were very good. I mean...I guess so?
What else. Two of my zines got reviewed in Broken Pencil, which was unexpected and awesome. Unfortunately, the site doesn't have an online version of the print version, so you can't read it unless you have a copy. Anyway, this is really the shot in the arm I needed to start working on stuff again. This week, I sat at a little table in our backyard with my typewriter working on a new zine while Jess sat on a blanket in the (soon-to-be-mowed) grass, catching up on Canadian culture with a pile of arts magazines. It was a really fantastic feeling...one I hope to have again, as soon as finals are ooover.
Work has offered me some extra hours, which is good and bad - good because I need the cash, bad because it'll interfere a mite with studying this week. I think it'll end up being fine, but nonetheless I feel a shade nervous. I'll be so glad when school is all wrapped up and done with.
Anyway. I'd best be off, but I promise to try with more regular updates.
xoxo
cbl
From Nicole Georges' Invincible Summer, Vol. I:
1 banana
1 cup soy milk
1 handful coconut shreds
1 heaping tablespoon almond butter
honey, to taste (I left it out, personally)
Blend it all up!
Seriously. Amazing.
School's been a bit of a bummer as of late, but I think I can handle it. Two more papers and three exams in the next three weeks, which is sort of horrifying, but totally doable. My self-confidence was bolstered by an academic adviser I ran into at a book launch (which I attended with the ever-lovely Jess) who remarked that my grades were very good. I mean...I guess so?
What else. Two of my zines got reviewed in Broken Pencil, which was unexpected and awesome. Unfortunately, the site doesn't have an online version of the print version, so you can't read it unless you have a copy. Anyway, this is really the shot in the arm I needed to start working on stuff again. This week, I sat at a little table in our backyard with my typewriter working on a new zine while Jess sat on a blanket in the (soon-to-be-mowed) grass, catching up on Canadian culture with a pile of arts magazines. It was a really fantastic feeling...one I hope to have again, as soon as finals are ooover.
Work has offered me some extra hours, which is good and bad - good because I need the cash, bad because it'll interfere a mite with studying this week. I think it'll end up being fine, but nonetheless I feel a shade nervous. I'll be so glad when school is all wrapped up and done with.
Anyway. I'd best be off, but I promise to try with more regular updates.
xoxo
cbl
Friday, April 24, 2009
this song you just learned
A year ago today, I arrived at Pearson International Airport with one big suitcase, knocked numb and hazy from Cat's wisdom tooth surgery painkillers she had given me to soothe my nerves for the plane. The reality of the move sunk in as I rode in the stiflingly hot backseat of my aunt's car.
That night, Felizia and I walked to the Big Carrot. I bought juice and vegetables to calm me. I got out a little piece of paper and called Andrew, asked him if he and Paul were still coming to visit me the next day. I put on the new shoes my dad had bought me. I cried as quietly as I could.
I thought of the little calendars I had kept in my room for months, counting down the days until I moved. I thought about how I stopped ticking the boxes towards the end. I thought about excited whisperings to Cat and Alison at Louis' one march night.
There are so many ways this place has become home, big and small: heartbreak, building a map of the city in my head, making fantastic friends, a shitty job, a great job, the discovery of beautiful tiny city secrets, getting lost and found on public transit, falling in love.
Tonight my roommates (upstairs and downstairs) are having a barbecue (and don't worry, there will be veggie burgers, and they will be grilled first) and I couldn't imagine better timing.
It is a good time for me to be alive.
That night, Felizia and I walked to the Big Carrot. I bought juice and vegetables to calm me. I got out a little piece of paper and called Andrew, asked him if he and Paul were still coming to visit me the next day. I put on the new shoes my dad had bought me. I cried as quietly as I could.
I thought of the little calendars I had kept in my room for months, counting down the days until I moved. I thought about how I stopped ticking the boxes towards the end. I thought about excited whisperings to Cat and Alison at Louis' one march night.
There are so many ways this place has become home, big and small: heartbreak, building a map of the city in my head, making fantastic friends, a shitty job, a great job, the discovery of beautiful tiny city secrets, getting lost and found on public transit, falling in love.
Tonight my roommates (upstairs and downstairs) are having a barbecue (and don't worry, there will be veggie burgers, and they will be grilled first) and I couldn't imagine better timing.
It is a good time for me to be alive.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I know I haven't updated in almost a month. For most of March, I just couldn't think of anything interesting to say (not that that's ever stopped me), and this past week has been of particular difficulty. It's been very hard to talk to anyone or make myself do anything.
On Monday, March 30th, I, along with all of my coworkers (some friends, some strangers) was informed that my dear friend and colleague had passed away. Out of respect to him, who was always a very private man, I don't wish to say too much about his role in relation to mine at work, but suffice to say we worked together every day since I began working there. I feel uncomfortable disclosing his cause of death, but yet I feel I must, for I'm simply not up for telling everyone separately now, and it is an important factor. He took his own life.
He was a big reason why I enjoy my work. Every day between ten and eleven (depending how busy it was), we'd make earl grey tea together. He did a perfect Ali G impression that made me laugh every time. There are never enough pens where we work, and they always go missing, so we'd routinely re-enact the "My Pen!" sketch from Kids in the Hall. He was a deeply spiritual and religious man, and right before he stopped coming to work, he lent me a fantastic book, which I wrote about here (the one about Islam and the West). He always wore birkenstocks, and up until the end of this week, they were still there in my workspace, tucked under a table. I kept staring at them and thinking "dead man's shoes", a phrase the origins of which I can't recall. It made me feel guilty. He is not a dead man, but my friend.
One time we discussed the band Einstuerzende Neubauten, him mentioning he had seen them in concert. After this friday, I had one of their songs stuck in my head and thought of how much it described this friend. Particularly, the line "it's in the open, but it doesn't get stolen". In a way, we all recognized how beautiful and amazing he was, but at the same time we never really got it. He was underappreciated. I never asked him if anything was wrong, because it never seemed like anything was.
My dear friend, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't ask. I'm sorry I didn't tell you everyday how helpful you were to me, sorry that I didn't thank you for your patience and hard work. I miss you so much. We all do. I hope you found what you were looking for.
On Monday, March 30th, I, along with all of my coworkers (some friends, some strangers) was informed that my dear friend and colleague had passed away. Out of respect to him, who was always a very private man, I don't wish to say too much about his role in relation to mine at work, but suffice to say we worked together every day since I began working there. I feel uncomfortable disclosing his cause of death, but yet I feel I must, for I'm simply not up for telling everyone separately now, and it is an important factor. He took his own life.
He was a big reason why I enjoy my work. Every day between ten and eleven (depending how busy it was), we'd make earl grey tea together. He did a perfect Ali G impression that made me laugh every time. There are never enough pens where we work, and they always go missing, so we'd routinely re-enact the "My Pen!" sketch from Kids in the Hall. He was a deeply spiritual and religious man, and right before he stopped coming to work, he lent me a fantastic book, which I wrote about here (the one about Islam and the West). He always wore birkenstocks, and up until the end of this week, they were still there in my workspace, tucked under a table. I kept staring at them and thinking "dead man's shoes", a phrase the origins of which I can't recall. It made me feel guilty. He is not a dead man, but my friend.
One time we discussed the band Einstuerzende Neubauten, him mentioning he had seen them in concert. After this friday, I had one of their songs stuck in my head and thought of how much it described this friend. Particularly, the line "it's in the open, but it doesn't get stolen". In a way, we all recognized how beautiful and amazing he was, but at the same time we never really got it. He was underappreciated. I never asked him if anything was wrong, because it never seemed like anything was.
My dear friend, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't ask. I'm sorry I didn't tell you everyday how helpful you were to me, sorry that I didn't thank you for your patience and hard work. I miss you so much. We all do. I hope you found what you were looking for.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
before we knew it
I'm in a super nostalgic mood today. Oh brother.
Lately I've found myself missing lots of people lately, particularly the very special and unique friendship I am lucky enough to share with Alison and Cat. Remembering the three of us at the Living Room or walking to J.S. Wood singing Tom Petty songs or driving in the green sedan to Jerry's for sorbet and then the Weir, shrieking with laughter.
These two women are so important. I wish I could properly convey that to you all. And I think we are made better by hanging out with one another. Sure, we're all cool girls on our own, but somehow we're better and brighter together. We are, as Vonnegut would say, of the same karass. Spring is coming and I know that around this time last year we were running down Lansdowne, no sweat sneakers hitting the snow-melty pavement, giggling like hell. I love those girls.
I also have been having some little pangs for other feelings that were developing around this time last year via Canadapost. Yeah...listening to MGMT and MIA and elaborately drawing monsters in shirts and ties on parcels. Before that other dude came along.
Oh, and I have it on good authority that at least two of my exes read this blog, which is sort of embarrassing, but more so for them, I think.
This is a really busy month for me. Lots of essays, etc. to finish. And lots of involvement! I'm going to a teach-in that No One Is Illegal is putting on and plan on attending their meetings more regularly. Also, *fingers crossed* I might be doing some art for a cool store I frequent. AND! Food Not Bombs.
Last night, after a big day of International Women's Day madness, I went to Dance Cave with my roommate and friend Jen and met up with some other good folks. Age of Consent came on and I dragged everyone to the dance floor, even though it wasn't the "cool" time to dance yet.
Doodle doo do d-d-do do do d-do...woooon't you please take me home...
Felizia and I went for brunch today. I made friends with this really great couple and mentioned to them that I have an irrepressible love of fake '50s diners, but can never find satisfying vegan options there. They referred me to Sadie's, this fantastic place on Adelaide and Portland. It has the perfect combination of total kitsch, great vegan food, and totally affordable prices. I can even go there for BRUNCH, an amazing meal which is too often only for omnivores and vegetarians. Felizia, a fairly hardcore meat-eater, also enjoyed it. We've agreed that it will be the Numero Uno Post-Hangover Destination.
And now: goodnight. There are more adventures to be had tomorrow, and with each passing day I know we are closer to spring.
Lately I've found myself missing lots of people lately, particularly the very special and unique friendship I am lucky enough to share with Alison and Cat. Remembering the three of us at the Living Room or walking to J.S. Wood singing Tom Petty songs or driving in the green sedan to Jerry's for sorbet and then the Weir, shrieking with laughter.
These two women are so important. I wish I could properly convey that to you all. And I think we are made better by hanging out with one another. Sure, we're all cool girls on our own, but somehow we're better and brighter together. We are, as Vonnegut would say, of the same karass. Spring is coming and I know that around this time last year we were running down Lansdowne, no sweat sneakers hitting the snow-melty pavement, giggling like hell. I love those girls.
I also have been having some little pangs for other feelings that were developing around this time last year via Canadapost. Yeah...listening to MGMT and MIA and elaborately drawing monsters in shirts and ties on parcels. Before that other dude came along.
Oh, and I have it on good authority that at least two of my exes read this blog, which is sort of embarrassing, but more so for them, I think.
This is a really busy month for me. Lots of essays, etc. to finish. And lots of involvement! I'm going to a teach-in that No One Is Illegal is putting on and plan on attending their meetings more regularly. Also, *fingers crossed* I might be doing some art for a cool store I frequent. AND! Food Not Bombs.
Last night, after a big day of International Women's Day madness, I went to Dance Cave with my roommate and friend Jen and met up with some other good folks. Age of Consent came on and I dragged everyone to the dance floor, even though it wasn't the "cool" time to dance yet.
Doodle doo do d-d-do do do d-do...woooon't you please take me home...
Felizia and I went for brunch today. I made friends with this really great couple and mentioned to them that I have an irrepressible love of fake '50s diners, but can never find satisfying vegan options there. They referred me to Sadie's, this fantastic place on Adelaide and Portland. It has the perfect combination of total kitsch, great vegan food, and totally affordable prices. I can even go there for BRUNCH, an amazing meal which is too often only for omnivores and vegetarians. Felizia, a fairly hardcore meat-eater, also enjoyed it. We've agreed that it will be the Numero Uno Post-Hangover Destination.
And now: goodnight. There are more adventures to be had tomorrow, and with each passing day I know we are closer to spring.
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