oh, how quickly optimism is quashed.

i'm reminded of this scene in Shortbus where Severin, the dominatrix, bursts into tears in front of Sook-yin Li's character. "What if I can't afford to live here anymore? I can't go back!" She cries and cries, then, sniffing, tries to convince herself that she can just stay in New York City and make art all year.

that scene touches a nerve. i know i know, those fucking Torontonians comparing themselves to New Yorkers when they couldn't be more different...but i'm genuinely struck with fear when it comes to this city. it's too expensive. as far as employment, i live contract to contract, in constant fear of where my next paycheque will come from. how long can i stay in Toronto before it chews me up and spits me out?

and i'm sick. i don't want to scare anyone, but i am really sick right now. i can't tell my parents, provinces away, because i just don't want to cause more confusion and concern. my eyes burn and my stomach has stopped growling for food, knowing there isn't any more coming. i sob out of nowhere. make late-night teary phone calls when i'm so delirious that i might as well be drunk. Not Good.

i'm going to go to a facility tonight, and i'm not going to tell my family. i need the people who read this to help make sure that this remains quiet. i promise i will seek help, but i really do need to do it in privacy.