getting dumb

Things are pretty good with me right now. My roommates gave me money for new pens and markers and a new sketchbook for my birthday. Today my aunt and uncle took me out for lunch and bought me expensive French peasant bread from some classy place in Yorkville (somewhat ironic).

The strike rages on, and only one prof made demands that we stick to deadlines. I started the essay for his class today and banged out a little over 1/4 of it in a little under two hours. I can't tell if it's any good or not, but it came fairly effortlessly. Maybe because it's for a course about comics and cartoons (therefore of interest)? Anyway, what I really wanted to say in regards to this is that while I don't really like school, I'm pretty good at it and it seems a lot more interesting when I don't have to haul my ass to campus. After a couple of years, it's probably safe to say that I'm not the academia-lovin' type (most of the time I want to scream and throw things at everyone), but at least I'm not struggling super hard.

I finished my portrait of Jean-Luc Godard today. Not that much time actually went into it, I just kept getting bored and wanting to do other things. It didn't turn out as charmingly as the Jacques-Yves Cousteau one, but I think it's cute. He ended up being hunkier than he was in real life. I totally suck at using these new brush pens, but I'll get it eventually. These pictures are just going in our kitchen, anyway.

Last night I had a miniature panic attack when I looked in the mirror and some pictures of me were posted to that dreaded facebook thing. Lately I've been feeling really ugly and weird looking, like a squishy alien with tiny watery eyes and a permanently stupid expression on her face. When I was in highschool, this girl I knew said "Do you ever feel like you're watching yourself go through your everyday tasks and all you can think about is how stupid you look doing them?" Like, gosh, how succinct. That's exactly how I feel. Bumbling and stupid and ugly. So last night I sat in my desk chair, terrified and horrified and feeling absolutely paralyzed.

Trying to not get like that too often. It happens less than it used to. It still happens though, and it's still scary when it does.